Monday, June 7, 2010

Going Deeper - Being Single, Being Whole - Part 1

Another great sermon from Matthew this past Sunday and he tackled a controversial topic, for some, as to that word in Ephesians 5:22 - submit. While the sermon was remarkably well-considered, and was not intended or designed, as far as I could see, to consider the question of marriage and singleness as proper states of being, the context seemed to suggest joy and fulfillment were the gifts to be enjoyed once in that state of being. So I think the sermon was indeed intended and designed to speak to the question of forming and maintaining that state of joy, nevertheless, the take away for me was in the beginning (and which colored all that followed), that was the line that perhaps marriage is the greatest single form of human relationship God allows us to enter into. While the church has a lot of married people and families, it seems to me to be a little close to staking out a larger claim for the state of marriage than may be accurate.

I get that the intent was not to put any hurting on singleness but I have this sense that there were some who may not have gotten past that statement – particularly those who are in the midst of a divorce or recently have emerged from, sadly more often than not, that battle zone, as well as sending a message to those who aren’t married yet, for whatever reason (Albert Mohler’s views notwithstanding), that there is a need for speed here into order to get into that greatest form of human relationship possible on this side of Heaven.

Maybe it is personal. After my divorce, the sense of loss was significant. After about 10 years of being involved with a divorce recovery ministry, I am aware I’m not alone in that feeling of loss and in the recognition there is a huge desire to fill that loss sooner rather than later. So something that seems to suggest marriage is the standard or ideal state of being on this side of things just seems, for me, a little farther down the road than I care to travel nor do I want people to travel, as once a wrong turn is taken, you have to spend some time backtracking, so why go down the road if you don’t have to?

I have this sense of wrongness in telling someone in this pit of pending divorce or who is divorced to slow down this need, whether conscious or subconscious , when all we have heard otherwise up to that point in time is how wholeness and fulfillment and such are found in the ideal state of marriage. My thinking is that we need to better understand that the season of singleness we may find ourselves in not just a place where we bide some time until we can enter, or for some of us re-enter, that state of bliss. Indeed for some it is a call – that’s how I read Matthew 19:12, “Some people are unable to marry because of birth defects or because of what someone has done to their bodies. Others stay single for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Anyone who can accept this teaching should do so." (CEV) While for some to ignore or avoid hearing the call, it’s not, of course, the end of the world but it does make life that much more difficult at times.

So marriage is not the ideal state of being for us on this side of things. Now, in no way is anything here to be understood as suggesting singleness should be elevated to that exalted spot – it should not. Rather, marriage and singleness are two viable and equally valid options open to God’s people while we are in the process of becoming all that God desires us to be. For those of us who are not married, or no longer married, this is not an occasion to do a Jeremiah and lament how awful this state is, and become rattled over the seemingly deafening silence in answers to the fervent prayers to be lifted from this dreaded state – even if we enjoyed the time for a while, please God let me back into the land of the living, give me the good life and let me be married. My take is God isn’t ignoring those prayers but maybe we are not listening as well as we could be, and even if our listening gear is active, the message coming back isn’t what we are waiting to hear.

We need to see singleness as a valid and blessed state of being and learn to be content and comfortable if that is where we are at until He tells us something different and be at that point of submitting and finding joy in the truth that this is where He wants me at - maybe for a long long time. Just like we can say to people, waiting for the Lord to speak is a wise act of submission and obedience, say in life decisions, college or schooling, career choice, joining a fellowship, whatever but we many times tell each other bide your time on so many other things and we can be okay with that, biding our time in regard to singleness is no less valid an option and singleness is not less blessed and valued than the state of marriage.

Next time a little more on the state of singleness as valid and a state of joy.

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