Covenant Marriage as Ascriptural Event (Part Three)

Romance is fleeting.  David Matzko-McCarthy observes love remains the key ingredient leading to marriage, in his Sex and Love in the Home at 153, “two people meet, and they fall in love.  Their love sticks so that they see marriage as the logical and inevitable next step.  This story continues to be the predominant narrative of marital connection.”  Matzko-McCarthy goes on to note the danger of relying on romance and love as the sustaining force of marriage, at 163, “when romance is the linchpin of a relationship or marriage, then the couple, after the first wave of passion is gone, will have to work a great deal in order to conjure up passion or spontaneity.  The romance is likely to die because one or both partners will become tired of working to restore what is supposed to be spontaneous passion.”

This project does not suggest a marriage without romance and love should therefore be successful – clearly such a proposal is inane.  Rather, elevating romance and that vague and misunderstood term love to center stage is not an adequate safeguard against marital difficulties (as well, elevating those emotions, as I suggest we have done, undermines any perceived boost to the longevity of marriage by merely relabeling it to that of covenant marriage).

Is it possible that the intended foundation of marriage is holiness in relationship, as well as procreation?  Now nothing here suggests pleasure is not a part of the equation, but surely not the most significant reason for marriage.  If we understand Adam and Eve were created in the image of God, albeit a shadow of that image, is it not possible that the relationship to be formed by marriage reflects as well the Trinity - the most holy of relationships?  Stanley Grenz in his Sexual Ethics at 55 suggests “marriage forms a picture of  the community which is present in a prior way within the triune God - the community of Father, Son and Spirit. Just as the Trinity is a community of love so also the marital relationship is to be characterized by love.”  Recognizing a tension in the use of the vague term love, as a reflection of the Triune relationship, the view proposed by Hauerwas, see below, as to intimacy fits well as a focus of what we may understand is love expressed within the human relationship.

Is it possible marriage is not simply a vehicle for the expression of feelings of mutual joy (a problematic definition in a competitive economic structure where people are seen as means to an end) where joy is in reality simply a shared selfishness.  If we understand that marriage is the most intimate relationship among human relationships, how we reckon intimacy seems particularly critical.  Hauerwas in his essay “Sex in Public” from A Community of Character:  Toward a Constructive Christian Social Ethic at 181 suggests “intimacy depends on the willingness to give of the self, to place oneself in the hands of another, to be vulnerable, even if that means we may be hurt.”

Is it possible that, like singleness which is enhanced in community, marriage as well may be enhanced through community - and in particular the community that is the body of Christ, the Church?  Lauren Winner in Real Sex:  The Naked Truth About Chastity at 133-35 relates a most powerful story about a trip with college students to a convent.  During the discussion, the question finally emerged as to how the nuns handled no sex.  The response by the sister is most revealing.  She responded “...giving up sex is a very particular renunciation.  But I think we have an easier time of it here together in our community than you unmarried young people do out there, alone, in the world.”  How much more strongly can the single life, and the married life, be practiced when in relational community.  How much more can, say fidelity, be practiced in a relational community of confession, forgiveness, repentance and encouragement

Is it possible a significant question to be asked during the wedding ceremony, at the time of the exchange of vows, is do you pledge to always consider what is best for the other regardless of the cost to yourself?  As a follower of Christ, can there be any other question?  Maybe the ceremony is simply a beginning to a lifetime adventure to discover the depths of the vows that were exchanged.  Marriage is an adventure that will entail learning how to be intimate - physically, emotionally and spiritually.